I love Craigslist. But not just because it is a convenient place to purchase and exchange goods. But because people like this exist. It’s easy to write off the context of this image as computer illiteracy. But what if it’s much deeper than that? I picture a shrouded man, an aged figure that is frail and weak and sun-bleached. A blue collar man, in a jean jacket and jeans and a white t-shirt, with a ratty old hat. The wrinkles on his face are deep and pitted and they tell a story of learning lessons the hard way. A wooden cage, make me an offer. What did the cage contain? Not important. Make. Me. An. Offer. Will I end up in the cage? Maybe, if you don’t make an offer.

This one is a loaded post and takes some dissection. Firstly, the title: ‘Teacher seeks pupil.” I’m sold. Moving forward into the post, we find that this sensei has a vested interest in saving the world, and not only the world but the life ON it. Not to be confused with the life outside of this world. This appeals to my empathy in fact I am part of the world, and there are parts of it I enjoy (mainly things like cubed cheese, fire ants, mixed use zoning etc.) So our author is knowledgeable, they know that what we need is a teacher, and there are stakes to this venture (i.e. the world.) Now for the logistics, you should be available weekly, the days are not important. You should be available, this is the world (and the life ON it) we’re talking about. You’re volunteering to learn ‘weekly’ out of your own generosity.
“A multi-disciplined “curiccula” to be mosaically taught in schools, BUT on an incomplete basis.” This might be the vaguest thing anyone has ever said, ever. To follow it up with “Broad in scope but narrow in purpose.” Really sets the tone that this will mean absolutely nothing to anybody. I love it so much and it’s now a regular phrase in my vocabulary.

This one I actually enjoy in ernest. It reads like a love letter, and the fact that it is placed desperately in one of the largest cities in the world and among some of loneliest people in that city makes it all the more lovely. I picture a 1950’s dame, in a shadowy noir bedroom, writing this letter to nobody but the cigarette smoke and jazz filled room. Film noir to me has always been one of the most entertaining comedic tropes because I think it strikes such a deep little cringy chord in my heart. We can all agree that a standalone fedora is a cool hat, and that a chain-smoking detective with a hip holster and trench coat looks cool in one. But there are apparent differences between a 1950’s detective and my 14 year old self. We could both wear a fedora confidently. But I’d say the rest of the differences may have to do with how much time I spent picking flowers during baseball practice. (I say baseball for comedic effect, I was really in Tee-ball. They remove the tee later in the season so you practice hitting. Unless you are me. They knew it would just be less embarrassing for everyone involved if we just brought the tee immediately.)

If you lost your DVD. They found it.

I would like to conclude with this one. Craigslist is a lonely place, and every post has such an air of desperation enveloping it. Its addicting to me and I can spend hours upon hours reading through posts. I just imagine the kind of person who wrote it. I think I have a tendency to romanticize people in that way. I’m never bored of people watching, even if it’s just the cave paintings they leave behind on the bathroom stall of the internet (Craigslist.) Obviously to me, each and every post tells a story about someone who wants or needs someone for something and can’t get it by any other means. It’s easy to brush these people off as creepy or psychotic. I’d like to assert the opposite. These people are genuine and brave for being able to turn their soft underbelly up towards a world that isn’t made for people who fail at the ‘easy stuff.’ It’s strange that we all go along with all the vague messages in communication, business, education that are broad in scope but narrow in purpose. Its strange that while the majority of craigslist is “m/f searching for hot trash skanks.’ there are people who just wanna hang out, sell a cage or save the world among all that noise. I challenge you to take a look at your local craigslist community tab, read through it and be a bit more vulnerable to the unabashed, and maybe make an offer.

//Thanks for checking this out. A gift, below.

Firstly, I would like to thank you for reading this. You are probably my friend and a good one who wants to be supportive, or a good one who is too afraid to tell me I should just get a real job. Maybe you are a muscular someone, the moonlight is glistening off your olive skin while you caress a single displaced hair off my cheek, and maybe (just maybe) that moment between us will have felt like an eternity. Whichever person you are, thank you. I know it’s not easy watching someone spiral into writing a blog (and THEN asking you to read it.) But you’re a good friend remember. (and if you are not please call me back, God I miss your lush but powerful embrace.) So I guess to explain myself, this blog is an attempt at giving myself another creative outlet geared toward my goal of being a comedy writer. If this is the first you’re hearing of this, then you probably aren’t a good friend and you should certainly call me back. (see above for description.)
So what’s the point of you reading this? Well firstly, I hope its funny. Even in like a “lets-just-encourage-him-because-we-know-he’s-bad-at-it-way-and-watching-him-fail-will-be-fun-for-us” way. Which is malicious, but I would respect it. Secondly, if you don’t read this blog I will kill us both. (I will find out if you did or didn’t with subtle quizzing in our regular conversation) So welcome to being a regular reader! I hope to continue to provide you with engaging bullshit to be read between sets at the gym, or on a train, or in bed! Maybe some of it will be insightful for you, (maybe some of it will be so insightful you will meet me on a moonlit beach, your muscles rippling as you approach and you won’t ever call me back etc.) Reading is boring though! So who cares. Just skim it if you want, I don’t care (outwardly.)
So the gift portion of this article is in the form of the image above. I had it on my camera roll and I don’t entirely know why because it’s not my tire. But that tire is absolutely shredded and if you need an excuse to be late to something please crop that image. Use it at your convenience. It’s yours! To conclude, I have now thanked you, threatened you and encouraged you to lie (fun fact: I work with kids.) In this instance I do condone lying. Because I think it is absolutely asinine that we are demanded to show up on time if at all to certain things. Here is a list of things I think we should be allowed to be late to: class, work, therapy, romance novel book club and a briss. The concept of excused and unexcused absences in school always confused me. It never felt as though what I was doing really demanded an excuse. Consider the term, inexcusable. I have provided a short list of things we consider as inexcusable: Murder, Racism, My birthday…? So take the tire image. Be late to your nephew’s briss and sneak in the back and eat all the free snacks they leave back there. After helping yourself to a seemingly endless bowl of calamari, maybe consider to keep reading (or else.)